'''Name:''' Aysel Dafina Lawan
'''Age:''' 17
'''Race:''' galdori
'''Place of Origin:''' Gior

!!!Back story

Aysel grew up in a comfortable environment. She got everything she wanted and was treated with respect by her parents colleagues. The only bad thing about her life was that because her parents were so incredibly famous both of them excelled at Brunnhold and both of them excelled in the outside world too. Her father a doctor. Her mother a spellwriter. She didn't have many true friends because of that. they thought she was stuck up and wouldn't want to play.

She grew shy and withdrawn although when she went to Brunnhold she lets go a bit and gets more relaxed and herself. Her parents treated her amazingly. It was true her parents loved her but they were never there. She normally thought of her nurse as her main up bringer. She was always there. Hugged her when she cried kept her safe and singed to her.

The one thing she is sure her parents gave her was a passion to do the best she could in the one thing she was passionate about. Exploring. Her nanny was over bearing and protective but Aysel constantly snuck away to explore. Her greatest find was in her bedroom underneath her bed was a trapdoor. One day after careful planning she went under and discovered a library full of books and artifacts of the strange, the weird and the somewhat wonderful. She took some of these books with her to Brunnhold. She was normally locked up inside although she longed to explore. Up in the attic was a window that window looked far and wide she often sat there wishing she could go! Her parents were the over-protective kind, they all thoguth she was frail and too ill to be exposed to outside. Since she had fallen incredibly ill at the age of one since then they have crowded over her even when they weren't there.

!!!Personality

She is shy, and normally over analyzes what she says to people. She is extremely academic too.She is more comfortable in the company of galdori. However, she is expectantly awkward with passives and humans because in her world she was exposed to the best and the top people; she never saw anyone below her so she feels awkward around them. She has always been surrounded by equals. She was taught not to treat them like equals, but she almost can't help it. She has a thirst for knowledge and normally is happy reading. she is highly ambitious, slightly naive. Always positive about things which makes people around her annoyed but secretly have more hope. She can be very flustered and awkward. She stumbles over her words and stutters when she is nervous. She doesn't believe in violence, she believes in words and thoughts and she believes that if you chose the right words at the right moment you could change the world.

In front of strangers she is horrible at lying, which makes the truth a little more awkward when she states it. She is charming and funny and generally happy when she is confident.

!!!Physical Description
Aysel is 5'3 she has a small chest and ample hips
She has electric, large green eyes and a long oval shaped face with a light slightly tanned complexion. She has small but slightly wide naturally pink lips. She also has even eyelashes and eyebrows. And a short pointy nose. On the back of her neck is a small brown mole. She has long black silk hair that she normally has either in a triangle bangs or an untidy bun if she's concentrating on something. She smells like freesia and roses.She wears her Seer stone as a necklace (so its less likely to fall off).

!!!Inventory

List 1:
*Theory of natural history book.
*Encyclopaedia of Alexandria van Devuar explorations and journal.
*Spell study and practise.

List 2:
*two leather flasks full of water.
*Purse
*Journal (normally stuffed at the bottom)

!!!Career
Studant.
Skills-
Great sense of direction. Has uncanny skills with a map.
Good at her magic lessons not genius standard but adequate if she wanted to be a spell writer like her mother. Loves the outdoors. Has great survival skills.

!!!Goals
Write a book about what she's passionate about. Work hard to get to where she wants to be. She already has a bag packed full with places she had researched and made detailed notes and pictures of from reading many books. Although she can't know everything from books...
Her last goal is to not be swayed. In the sense of love, she has seen what it does to people and she doesn't want to do that. She wants to break away from the family tradition of keeping it in sciences and academic jobs. She doesn't want to be completely different. She fears hate and spite and ill feelings and she avoids them at all costs.

Hello and welcome to Thorns! Thanks so much for submitting your sheet. Your name is really great; we don't have too many long names here yet.

Please review this guide on character creation:
http://thornsbook.com/wiki/pmwiki.php?n ... ationGuide

Before the mods get started on reviewing, I would like to suggest you really work on your Backstory. It is very, very short. We're looking for about three normal-sized paragraphs in that section. Why would your character's parents be ashamed of her? How well did she do on her initiation test? What was her home life like in Gior? What has she been up to these past seven years in Brunnhold?

I would also like to stress that the sympathizing view for galdori is very unpopular. It is not a common view. A student in Brunnhold would be ostracized for preferring the company of humans and passives to other galdori. It is not social convention. Normal galdori believe themselves to be guardians and caretakers of the "lower races," and it is honestly the most acceptable view.

Galdori who do not follow convention will have a hard time making friends. While I am not suggesting you change your views, you really, really need to have a solid and detailed reason in your backstory for having your sympathizer view. It must be a traumatic or otherwise very extreme reason, not simply a "change of heart."

Please review this section of the Wiki on galdori viewpoints and normal society:
http://thornsbook.com/wiki/pmwiki.php?n ... ingAGaldor

Once you've made some of those improvements and changes, us mods will review your sheet for approval.

Also, a formatting issue, but there is no need to hit extra returns. Your sentences will be automatically spaced just fine as it fills the text box. Please also check your spelling and grammar while you are making your edits. Thanks for your patience and understanding!

Thanks for your extensive edits! That's a lot of time well spent that you have put into improving your character sheet, and we appreciate that kind of work. I have to say I am very impressed with just how much your sheet changed when you made your first round of edits.

There are still some things that need clearing up in your sheet, however, so if you would bear with me and consider some of these changes, it would be really great. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

One, Giorians would not be ashamed of a non-albino galdor in their midst. Albinism is extremely common, but not so much that normal pigmentation is excluded from being normal. Either is acceptable in Gior, though there are some hints of differentiation in how each are treated. It is not something she would have to necessarily hide, nor would her parents necessarily feel the need to go to the extremes of shuning her because of it ... unless perhaps there was a good reason. (The Wiki does say "those that are not born with albinism are often thought less of in society;" especially "those unlucky few are usually born with red or strawberry blonde hair and pale skin.") Is she the only non-albino in her family? Is there something more?

Second, children under the age of 10 would not be able to use magic, as they are not developed enough to cast. It is also not legal to teach children magic before school. Those uses of magic are not at all in line with the Noble Uses. Please read more about the uses of magic here: http://thornsbook.com/wiki/pmwiki.php?n ... sesOfMagic


This would just be galdori. It is plural and an adjective both. It is also lowercase, as it is a common word here on Thorns.


Was Asyel's nurse a passive? A human? Why did her parents get rid of her if they knew their daughter was so attached to her? Did she do a bad job? Did something happen?

I don't know if this is traumatic enough of an experience; galdori really do believe that they are taking care of the other races by their actions. They think of the other races, especially the non-magical ones, as children in their care. In the case of Gior culture, humans have their own government and are almost extensively separate from the galdori. Passives are viewed as crippled. Taking into account the cultural differences between Gior and Anaxas, it is possible that Aysel's difference in opinion could have its roots partially in her culture, but the Giorian galdori still view themselves as superior.

Your personality section is a little conflicting. (Please read: http://thornsbook.com/wiki/pmwiki.php?n ... ersonality) While we all want our characters to be well-rounded, it's okay to not be everything to everyone. Please be careful about too much duality in your personality.


This is already in your backstory and is best suited for the description section. However, magic on Thorns does not really work that way. It would take an Everspell or a severe backlash to permanently affect her appearance, both of which are not in your character sheet.

While we really appreciate your creativity in coming up with friends, please note that the students you have created are NPCs and therefore mods are responsible for playing them. Us mods are very busy and have an extensive list of NPCs we have already created. We would also like our PCs to play with other players, so please note that it would be best to focus on PC interaction and making friends with the existing PCs instead of relying on mod interaction with the NPC friends you have created. That's not to say they can't show up, but you cannot play them yourself outside of a (Lit) thread if they do.


This section on boys is a little confusing. Usually it is up to a new player's actions and the mod decisions how other students end up viewing PCs, though some history is not unwelcome. Not all characters are going to play along with that, even if it is in her character sheet. Her views would make her unpopular, personally, so while she may get looks, the conversational attention she attracts may not always be complimentary.

You write in your goals section that you want to free humans and passives through books and stories, but it is illegal for both of those races to read ... There are plenty who still do so, but it's not something to advertise. It's dangerous.

Finally, please re-read your sheet for spelling and grammar.

This new edit is an impressive and huge revision on the first, and we really, really do appreciate all your effort. I know this may seem like a lot, but I would like to say your character has a lot of potential. We just want to help you fit into canon and enjoy yourself as much as possible. Again, if you have any questions, concerns, or objections, don't hesitate to PM me or any of the moderators. Thanks!!

Thank you for all your tips and corrections i hope i have included them all into this new edition thank you =)

thank you for your corrections either approve it or tell me to edit it but i need to know what you think please!

Your sheet is up for re-review and we will get back to you as soon as we may.

Hello again! Thanks for your edits so far, but we have a few more we'd like to see before you're approved.

1. Please only use the "Place of Origin" section to list your birthplace. Everything else should just be covered in your backstory or mentioned in RP.

2. Again, despite your edits to the backstory of Aysel's childhood, it is still very extreme for a Gioran family to be so harsh to their child simply because she is not albino. Is there any way this can be based on something more? Perhaps the child of an affair? Gioran galdori are extremely isolated and most likely would value their children.

3. It is unrealistic both in our world and on Thorns that such a combination of miscellaneous items would even come close to resembling white hair, let alone leave any kind of permanent damage. Aysel would not have a white streak from such an experiment, but she may have had to have her entire head shaved because of the glue. Granted, it would all grow back, but it would never have turned white. That kind of discoloration requires a scar, a birthmark, or some kind of actual trauma to the flesh itself. Glue and chalk would not be enough.

4. You write that Aysel was "awkwardly registered from an early age" into Brunnhold. It is illegal to teach children magic before the age of 10 and no child is admitted before this time.

5. Your backstory doesn't quite explain why Aysel would have problems at school. While it's obvious she would have issues at home, moving to a new environment completely away from the negativities at home would give her a freedom to start over.

6. Your backstory about Aysel's nurse is still not enough to explain her racial views, especially because of the extreme isolation and cultural climate of Gior. Because of the great divide between humans and galdori (as in, they don't even live together and practically have separate societies) in Gior, it is unlikely that Aysel's nurse would've been human, nor would she have ever been a "slave." Giorans don't even keep passives as slaves, but passives do end up doing servant work. It's just as likely that Aysel's nurse would have been a relative or even another galdor.

Giorans coming to Anaxas are typically uncomfortable around humans, mostly because they would never have come in contact with them. They tend to have a much harsher view of wicks, as well. Giorans are a "live and let live" people for the most part, not wanting to be involved in human affairs at all. They identify with Hoxians on this point, and don't usually comprehend why Anaxas interferes so much - at least not at first. Some Giorans come to terms with it when they understand the technological achievements that have been made on the back of human labor, and the convenience and luxury that comes from being part of an upper class. (Many Gioran galdori are not upper-class as they are born; galdori society in Gior is just as stratified as Anaxi society, just not on racial divides.)

The last thing they would be, however idealistic they are, is comfortable around humans. It would be like being introduced to an alien species, or worse - an alien species that LOOKS almost human, but you can tell they aren't. They have no basis of identification with humans. Giorans experience a big culture shock when they come to Anaxas.

Aysel would never have been comfortable around humans in Gior, and so it would be only aggravated by the close contact with them in Anaxas. It'd be a completely new and alien experience.

7. Please read over your personality section and note the conflicts. Perhaps re-addressing some of your backstory will help you with this. To be shy and scorned and yet possess wit and excellent wordplay are two very distinct sides of the coin. While we all like characters with some variety, there's no need to attempt to be everything to everyone. It might be helpful to find some middle ground in that section.

8. The assumption that being short and having a "slender figure" that is "very pursued" by the male population is not in convention with current Anaxi galdori standards of attractiveness—a small chest and ample hips are the current rage in Anaxas. Considering Aysel's personality, it would be hard to be so disliked and yet also considered attractive. Keeping this in mind when editing the two sections should help you.

9. Lastly, please re-read for grammar and spelling. Sear stone should be Seer stone. Ignorants should be ignorance. There is no such thing as a French twist in Thorns. And galdori does not need to be galdori's (galdori is both plural and possessive when necessary).

Sorry for the long post. We really appreciate your patience! A few more edits and Brunnhold will have another student!

thank you again for your advice I hope (again) that I have added in everything, I completely changed her backstory so it would fit more into the thorniverse =)

Thanks for the revisions! A few last things and then I think you're ready for approval:

Your Career seems more like it should be in your Goals section. As a 7th year student at Brunnhold, you would've chosen your magical specialization from one of the disciplines already. This would be better to list under Career instead.

Your Personality section is still a little conflicting, and we really prefer players to establish their social status (i.e. making all the girls jealous) in-game. I'm not going to require those two things as edits, but I would recommend you re-read and just consider before approval.

So, if you can just move some things around in your Career and Goals (it might help you to look at other students on the Wiki's Yellow Pages), you'll be ready to play.

Thanks!

I was elated when I got your reply and thank you again! for putting in your advice and like every time I hope I have incorporated your advice and tips thank you once again

I'm sorry for editing it at a busy time hopefully everything has calmed down now

Hello there! We'll reread it!

great thank you!

seriousley thank you!

Hi Tilly! Firstly, i want to commend you patience. I have seen you edit and edit, and you've really worked to come in line with the board and the wiki. I know some people in chat have been helping you, and whilst I thank them immensly, in future its okay to Pm a mod. Myself if you like. We dont want to discourage anyone, espeially a fresh young player.

With that in mind, and your extreme patience, i am going to approve you myself. You have room to grow, and i'm happy to help where i can. So for now, Welcome to the world! Have fun.

Yay!!!!