'''Name:''' Arlyn Winterspark
'''Age:''' 25
'''Race:''' Galdori
'''Place of Origin:''' Vienda (Northern Outskirts)

!!!Backstory:
Arlyn was born to a Seventen officer and a wealthy merchants daughter. Arlyn was the younger twin of a fraternal set. Her brother was delivered seven minutes and ten seconds before her, in fact she came as a surprise. Not that her parents, Aaron and Lynd Belfiore, weren't ecstatic. Aaron longed for a son to teach the art of war, Lynd a daugther to train to be a lady. With the birth of Micheal and Arlyn both adults were utterly thrilled.

As the two grew up, it was quickly discovered that the twins were practically inseparable. Despite having separate rooms they'd often sleep in the same bed, bathe together, and slip into the others lessons. Their parents gave up when the twins reached six and just put them into classes together. With their attention undivided the twins began to challenge each other in the lessons. It was quickly discovered that Arlyn was eloquent and graceful, intelligent and sharp witted. Micheal was quick and strong, kind and cunning.

Even though their lessons were held together there were two instructors. While each topic was the same, the subject matters were not. Arlyn's lessons were more merchant based, while Michael's were focused on war and battles. Due to the twins' closeness, each seemed to pick up exactly what the other had, often helping the other understand something that was proving difficult.

When they reached eight Aaron put out word he was looking to hire one of the best fencing masters in the area to instruct his son on swordsmanship, of course Arlyn ended up being included in the lessons as well due to Michael's refusal to do anything without his sister. One her most vivid memories is of what happened the day the weapon master showed up to their house.

When word had been received that a weapon master had been found, one Ryan Echeverria, a date was set for the first lesson. Aaron expressed doubt, saying the name sounded familiar, and in a bad way. Aaron believed the name belonged to a galdor with less than reputable standards when it came to who he associated with, though he'd have to get a look at the fencing master to be sure. On that day the twins stood in the courtyard with their father, waiting for the instructor to arrive dressed in practice attire. When the fencing master arrived he was dressed in unassuming grays and carried a thin dueling blade.

Her father instructed the fencing master that he was dismissed, that there was no need for his services. When Ryan asked if it was because of who he was, Aaron replied that it was because of his association with passives that he was no longer welcome. Nodding, Ryan offered Aaron a bet, "I bet that I can beat you in under five minutes. If I win, I get to teach your children the art of the sword. If I lose, I will never draw a sword again."

Aaron agreed to the terms. Within minutes both men were dressed and ready for combat, Arlyn and Micheal waiting with baited breath. At the sound of a gong both men moved like lightning. Blades weaved and dove, parried and attacked, almost to fast to follow. Within thirty seconds it was clear Aaron couldn't win. Before two minutes were up Ryan knocked Aaron's sword wide and placed the tip of his foil against Aaron's throat. With a growl the galdor stomped off, leaving the fencing master in the courtyard with the twins.

For two years Ryan taught the twins, up until the contract said lessons would stop at the test for entering Brunnhold. Within the first year it was obvious that Arlyn's strengths were not in physical combat, though sheer stubbornness kept her attempting to learn the lessons as easily as her brother. Micheal excelled at the fencing lessons, with the male Belfoire twin almost (within six inches) landing a point on Ryan during his final lesson with the fencing master.

When they were ten both Micheal and Arlyn went to Brunnhold to pass the initiation test. The day that was supposed to make her the happiest ruined her life. While her test went without a problem, she even managed to score an eight point two. When she was let out of the initiation chamber, she was practically skipping, until she saw her parents standing there without her brother. When she asked, they told her that he had died.

Grief stricken, Arhlyn was devastated. It didn't help that when the arrived back home that all of her brothers things had been removed, as if he had never been. Numb, Arlyn lived through the next couple years in a daze, dutifully obeying her parents and instructors. Struggling to find purpose in what she was doing Arlyn put some of her merchant lessons to use, finding a need and filling it. Hiring the "genius" pranksters to pull pranks for those whose abilities lay elsewhere, spreading/hiding distasteful/delightful rumors, and fixing up weaker students with the stronger students for "tutoring".

She also took up the pursuit of technological studies, fascinated by how simple machines could allow complex actions to occur. Her personal space was occupied by a variety of small machinery in various states of disassembly, often similar pieces broken down step by step. One of her favorites were scale models of aeroships, dozen of models were seen in different steps of construction.

It was by chance that she learned of her brother's "death" as she arrived for the winter holiday. Aaron and Lynd had been fighting over her father's methods and were quiet loud as she disembarked from her carriage. He had failed, his score being a zero. A deep depression struck the young galdor, she became lethargic and unmotivated. Barely able to rouse herself for classes or for her "work," her scores were only saved due to her perfectionist's attitude towards the work she did do and her ability to do well on tests because of it.

After half a year, her mother slipped her a note letting her know that Micheal had survived, though her father had banished him from the house and family. After that moment Arlyn noticed traces of guilt hidden in her mothers eyes, with the pride of her father stopped him from seeing.

The helpless depression turned into one of hopeless anger. Years of listening and obeying her father made out right defiance impossible, though she found subtle ways to express her displeasure. When she was younger and admired a wicks ear piercings then asked her father for a pair of earrings she got an earful. Acquiring a sewing needle and three sets of simple silver studs she pierced in her own ears and used her hair to hide the earrings.

The defiance never went outrageous. Missed dinners/meetings, "innocently" placed innuendos, scandalous comments, doubts over religion, and covert attempts to make herself seem a hassle. Whatever she tried never seemed to work. Frustrated she looked for ways to get her father to cast her out so she could find her brother without any familial interference.

Half way through her fifteenth year her father passed away due to heart problems. While she was sorry he had passed, the blond galdor found she didn't miss his presence. Thus liberated from his parental oversight Arlyn set about looking for her brother. At fifteen and seven-eightieths, the young galdor gave up trying to use her family as a source of usable intelligence. Her defiance had burned more than a couple bridges within her extended family and her mother still refused to talk about it. The dedication to studying and rather ruthless business dealings (she wasn't above blackmail or extortion) had consumed so much of her time that she hadn't really gone about making many friends.

She attempted scrying, though all she ever got was impressions of a glass blower or blown glass. On her sixteenth birthday a rosewood box was delivered with a half sheet of paper. A lazy scrawl had written Find the answers at Half-Moon Bakery at twenty seven. Inside the box was a glass globe with snowflakes suspended in the glass.

The rest of the day dragged on, each minute seemed an hour. By twenty three she was fidgety, twenty four she was was pacing, and by twenty six the young galdor was practically pulling hair out. Arlyn was so anxious that she arrived at the bakery a full half hour before the appointed time.

At twenty seven, a female wick showed the young galdor a picture of snowflakes and motioned for Arlyn to follow her. Arlyn sat on the bench she'd been occupying, frozen, unmoving, eyes starring intently at the strange women who showed her the picture. With a sigh the woman came and sat down next to the young student, "If you don't want to see your brother that's fine. Though if you do, follow me. He's been dying to see you again."

With a slow nod Arlyn followed the strange woman through a maze of streets, walking for twenty minutes until the came to a wick's kint. At least, it used to be a kint. Time had added expanded upon the original wagon with additions, remodels and renovations. It was a cobbled together monstrosity, with the history of the Stacks built into and upon its walls.

The smoky interior hid the inhabitants, though a buzzing sound could be heard between laughter and conversations. The only well lit spot was the sort of elongated chair with bends for the hips and knees, as well as arm rests. With in the confines of that chair Arlyn saw features that the young galdor thought she'd never see again without looking into a mirror. With a squeal of glee she launched herself at her brother.

Thankfully the tattoo artist had stopped his craft upon hearing the teenage girl's squeal, and didn't draw a line down Micheal's tricep. After the brief family reunion, Micheal introduced that tattoo artist, a wick by the name of Jesse. Arlyn asked why they had to meet here, with Micheal's reply being it was the only time Jesse could schedule him in. Arlyn and Micheal talked while Jesse worked, with Arlyn unable to suppress a case of the giggles as her brother added extra sounds to words and his face contorted in pain for split seconds as Jesse hit the incredibly tender spots. Interested by the tattoo her brother was getting, Arlyn watched Jesse work, eyes transfixed on the machine the wick was using.

A foot pedal turned a large gear, that turned a small gear on the end of a metal coil, inside of a metal sleeve, that went over the wicks shoulder down his arm to a weird piece of equipment she'd never seen before. The machine had a wheel that was turned by a gear from the metal coil with a rod attached to the wheel. The rod had a 2cm high 5mm wide nub and slid back and forth on a track with a looped needle attached to the nub (via the loop on the non-pointy side), the needle was inside a metal tube with a 45 degree angled feeder tube with a bottle of ink in the middle of the tube. Jesse offered to give her a tattoo, though she politely declined, saying she'd get one after she graduated.

After Micheal finished and payed for his tattoo, the twins headed to a local tavern where it appeared the male Belfiore twin was well known and accepted, even slightly admired. As the took their seats they were joined by the strange woman who had lead Arlyn to the parlor. The female Belfiore twin was shocked to learn that the witch (Cadence) was her sister-in-law and that Jesse was Cadence's brother.

During the meeting they talked about everything they'd seen and experienced. Arlyn told of how life had been without him and her business dealings within the school, how their father had punished the slightest mention of Micheal's name, their father's death, and her increasing interest with all things mechanical.

Micheal started from the beginning, the look of horror on their fathers face as the judges told the Belfoire's their son's score of zero, to the way their father told Micheal he'd died that day and he was nothing more than an abomination. Told of how he'd been taken in by an off shoot of the Red Crow tribe who traveled around as mercenaries. How the male Belfoire twin had the word "Abomination" made into an amibigram disk to throw into their former home, but found himself to weak to do so. Frustrated at his own weakness Micheal kept the disk in a trunk for when he found the strength to put it at their father's grave. How he'd become a good shot with a revolver he'd slaved to buy from his first employer. They talked from twenty nine to four, were Arlyn had to beg leave for exhaustion.

And thus the remaining four years at Brunnhold passed in a similar manner, the twins meeting at Jesse's tattoo parlor when Micheal was in the stacks. Passing letters through Jesse and Cadence when he wasn't. While Arlyn came to trust (slightly) her strange in-laws, she never was quiet able to be around them when Micheal wasn't with her. Arlyn's grades went from average to excellent due to her new drive in life, to create items to help with her brother's travel and to protect his life. He always brought back interesting items from his trips, which Arlyn kept in the rosewood box from her sixteenth birthday.

The last letter she received from her brother promised he'd be there for her graduation. The graduation came and went, it's mention of honors in engineering, and still no Micheal. Arlyn left for one of the families country estates, leaving word with Jesse and Cadence where word could reach her. When word came of Micheal, it was brought by Jesse and Cadence via a steel disk with the abomination worked out as an ambigram in a circular design, the last word their father had said to his son.

To have found her brother and lose him again was almost too much to bear and if it wasn't for the support of Jesse and Cadence during her the breaking of the news, Arlyn probably would've hung herself. Still weary of her in-laws, Arlyn allowed them to have a kint within a half hour walk of the house, with the caveat that it was to be hidden. In an attempt to work Arlyn out of the her depression Jesse showed her designs that he had been working on for Micheal. With some deliberation and a nod Arlyn began to place her brother's feelings onto her skin via the ink on Jesse's needles. Arlyn spent a grand total of ninety hours under the needle before Jesse had finished.

When she began the tattoo work she sent the staff at the estate to the main house in an effort to avoid further scandal. She hired a couple humans to take care of the house and cook. As an added measure she took to being referred to as Winterspark—a school nickname due to her charged personality but cold demeanor. As Jesse and Cadence investigated her brothers death, Arlyn began research aeroships and making a model that wasn't as dangerous or required as much magic.

Arlyn began work on an electric engine to help with the turning of the propeller, though her luck has been abysmal with even figuring anything worked out (other than sparks and being electrocuted.) though she felt a break though had to be close. She was also tired of her hair standing on end after leaving her work rooms. Another project was creating a portable power source using acidic juices and copper, this one was producing results. (Allowing the inventor to get electrocuted with greater frequency.)

At the age of twenty two, she learned her brother's death was caused by the Bad Brothers after his caravans shipment had arrived safely. He'd been in the wrong part of town (which is to say he was in Old Rose Harbor) and offended the wrong person. Where he'd been beaten and stabbed. The only reason that Arlyn even got his necklace was because other members of the caravan had been nearby and went to help him, though they had arrived to late.

With a focus for her rage at her brother's death, Arlyn set her sights on Old Rose Harbor. Despite pleas and advice from Jesse and Cadence not to do anything rash, the young galdor began looking into ways of hurting the Bad Brothers, physically and financially. The most significant (and heralded as impossible) was the removal or replacement of Silas Hawke. Arlyn saw Silas as a wick who had over-stepped his bounds and lawlessness was the outcome and in order to right the balance he had to be removed, so that other "innocent" deaths could be avoided.

At the age of twenty five, Arlyn was ready to put her plans of crippling the Brotherhood into motion.

!!!Personality:
Arlyn resents her parents for getting rid of her twin brother at the first sign of his inability to interact with the mona. These feelings have made the would be inventor/business women is cold and bitter when dealing with the people within galdori society. Around passives and wicks she's guarded, feeling they envy her greater ability with the mona. The only person she felt she could be open with and be honest with was her brother.

When she was younger Arlyn was often descried as dedicated, driven, and highly intelligent. Some whispered she was a perfectionist, poring over details until absolutely sure they were perfect. Arlyn has become reckless in her search for revenge, not really caring for her own personal safety. The galdor's recklessness is tempered by the common sense that if she's dead the death of her brother will remain a travesty unavenged. She's incredibly sarcastic and believes herself more "enlightened" than those around her. The words "can't" and "shouldn't" make Arlyn's jaw set and feel as if those misconceptions simply need to be proved wrong.

Racism: Arlyn believes that galdori are above the other races due to their ability to use the mona more effectively than the other races, using it to rule "justly" and protect the people. However, she sees them as a mostly inclusive race that doesn't accept anything outside of societies norm. She believes passives are galdori with a severe handicap, a step above a wicks, she sees them as dangerous "equals" with further steps needed to understand diablerie. Arlyn sees wicks as third class citizens, though they have a grasp of mona it's weak and best used for mundane tasks. They shouldn't be allowed government positions or a strong voice in the government. She views humans like she views the mona, useful, though one has to be polite to get what one wants from them. Otherwise, autonomous in their tasks and beneath notice.

!!!Description:
Arlyn currently stands at 5'4" with straight blond hair that reaches down to her waist, split into pigtails resting four fingers behind and two fingers above her ears. Pale gold eyes carry a disinterested look, as if she'd rather be doing something else. Due to her great grandmother on her mother side coming from Gior (great grandma didn't suffer from albinism), Arlyn's skin is a pale white. Arlyn leans toward lower end of slim on the body scale. Most of her muscles coming from stretching exercises and dueling sword exercises her mother and father instructed her in as a child, the one thing she actually wants to do that her parents told her to (with only minor resentment). While not buxom, Arlyn's chest is in the medium range (a "hand-full"), and her hips being rather petite.

Arlyn wears the corset as a way to show of her tattoos, showing off her shoulders. The pants are snug on her hips and baggy just below her thighs. Her dueling dagger is at the back of her pants with the hilt facing her right hand and is there to ward off blades as the need arises when she casts. Her jacket is an altered riding jacket tailored to fit her shoulders perfectly and hang in straight lines off of her frame, with the edge an inch off the ground when not wearing heels. The jacket's tailored fit allows the center part to hang open four fingers, allowing a perceptive individual to see another two inches on either side. A pair of darkened aviation goggles are usually on her eyes or in her hairline, the exceptions are business meetings or her galdori society attire.

The abomination ambigram her brother had hangs upon a flat silver chain three fingers below her sternal head (hollow of the throat). Her evening gown is a red satin of many layers and petticoats, open shouldered to show off her tattoos. Her evening dress is a dark gray silk that is more likely to be worn to intimate gatherings rather than large crowds. When dealing with other galdori for trade/political deals her dress is incredibly conservative, to the point of obscene. Wrist length sleeves with collars to her chin for her tops combined with floor length skirts with a fashionable pair of shoes.

'''Tattoos:''' Two finger spans above each wrist stylized clouds start and go up to the base of her neck with the clouds rolling over the top her chest and upper back. Inside of the clouds are stylized representations of the mystical beasts sans hatchers. Around her belly button two kluiw form a heart. In the center of her back with the top four fingers below the base of her neck (over the clouds), is an aerra with it's wings folded in and head looking down, feathers falling down (Shrinking in size) from the bottom of the aerra to her tail bone. In the middle each hip bone rests the paw prints of dapoa. In the middle of her right and left thigh a fjarnegoth "swims" around nose coming close to tail. (Head and tail are on the outside of the thigh).

'''Piercings:''' Three piercings in her lower earlobes with onyx studs.

!!!Inventory:
Weapons:
*Static spells
*Dueling dagger

Stuff:
*Three corsets (Bare shoulder. Green, Blue, Red)
*Three canvas trousers (Black)
*Three silk trousers (Almost black Green, Blue, Red)
*Three skirts (end an inch above the ground without heels)
*One tailored jacket
*One pair of darkened aviation goggles (for welding and sudden bright flashes)
*One evening gown
*One evening dress
*Two black flats
*One pair of heels with a four inch spiked heel
*Misc. notebooks
*Numerous quills
*Rosewood box

!!!Career:
Freelance inventor and business woman

!!!Skills:
*Mechanical savvy
*Haggling
*Persuasion
*Near-photographic memory

!!!Goals:
To obtain a "foothold" in Old Rose harbor. To create an organization to rival the Bad Brothers. To increase magical and technological knowledge. To hurt/disband the Bad Brothers. To remove Silas Hawke from power and probably replace him.

Hey Green, welcome to the boards! The mods are just going over your sheet and will get back to you shortly

Hi there Thanks for being patient. I have some critiques for you. I know this list seems long, so I'll preface this by saying that you have a very ambitious sheet! I appreciate that you took so much time weaving her story. Unfortunately there are a few elements that don't fit with the world setting. I definitely think this story could work with a few fixes.

*First order of business: grammar, usage and spelling! Throughout this sheet, you've left out 's in all the possessive words, so I'd appreciate if you could go through and edits those You use the phrase "war mage" a couple times, which is definitely not canon. Please replace this phrase with either galdor or sorcerer. As for grammar, I'd appreciate if you gave this whole sheet a once-over for sentence fragments.

* The names you have specified in this sheet are a little odd for the setting (Winterspark, Silverleaf and Willowtear in particular). They are very "high fantasy". I suggest reading the Naming Conventions page on the wiki or researching some European last names instead.

* Genetically speaking, there's no way that Micheal could be a wick and Arlyn be a fully realized galdor. I suggest making her brother a passive with no score at all; luckily the story would still work, since wicks sometimes take in abandoned passives. The only way Micheal could be a wick is if he and his sister were different ages, and his mother had cheated on his father with a human or wick. However, the "he's dead" storyline is good...it's chilling and realistic, considering the father might not want Micheal being in the same school as Arlyn (even as a servant) for fear of what others might say.

* Galdori tend to eschew weapons, but as her father is a Seventen officer I can understand it. I'd appreciate if you'd specify fencing in the beginning so we know we're not dealing with medieval swords.

* I don't really understand what's going on with Ryan Willowtear, or why the father reacted like that to him. Also, I'm sorry but after two years of training, ten-year-old children would not be able to defeat soldiers; that's really giving them way too much credit. They could be somewhat competent at fencing in that time, but that doesn't really translate to skills on the battlefield or the abilities of a trained Seventen.

* "It was by chance that she learned of her brothers "death."" How did she find this out? The initiation test is extremely private. Only parents and the prospective students hear the results. Anyway, this isn't strictly necessary to mention, as her mother eventually tells her her brother's fate. I'd also like a bit of information on the mother's motivations for doing that; was she guilty? Did she see her daughter suffering and want to ease her pain, and if so wouldn't she try other methods of cheering her up first?

*"Her father frowned on anything altering the bodies appearance, so she'd never gotten her ears pierced as a child. At the age of thirteen, she got three." There aren't any piercing parlors that would have done this, especially to a young lady, so she'd have to have done this herself. (Ear piercing at a young age is definitely not standard.) Additionally, Brunnhold does have a uniform and doesn't allow things that "mar" the face, so such piercings would probably not be allowed.

*"Thus liberated from his "tyrannical" rule Arlyn set about looking for her brother. At fifteen and three-quarters, the young galdor gave up." She only searched for a quarter of a year? Also, how did she search exactly? She's in school all year round; unless she spent the long holiday asking around, I can't see any practical way for her to look. (Regarding use of the word tyrannical, I can't see much mention of the tyranny in the backstory, apart from sending away her brother; more examples of this would be good.)

* What follows next is a lot of interaction with wicks. Galdori, no matter how rebellious, have a HUGE problem with wicks. If her brother was one, she might overcome her distaste for that single instance, but following anonymous instructions and wicks without any indication of why she's doing it...that strikes me as not staying true to realism. She might be naive enough to do it, but the fact that they are wicks would have an effect on her.

* How did the wicks in question find out about Arlyn's search for her brother and get a message to her? Why would they go to all that trouble to help a galdor? How does Arlyn get out to the Stacks after curfew? Why the secrecy and clues? There's a lot of dramatic stuff here but very little actual information on how it happens.

* There are a lot of problems with the tattoo scene. I know Arlyn is into rebellion, but even a galdori child who was fond of acting out would not jump immediately at the chance to get a sleeve tattoo. For one, she would be forced by the school to get it removed anyway, a VERY painful process to endure. Secondly, those kinds of tattoos take a lot of time (never done in one sitting) and planning. I doubt even a really skilled tattoo artist would be able to just whip one out from his head. I think you're referencing gauge earrings, too, which don't exist in this world and definitely wouldn't be allowed at Brunnhold. Unless she's planning on running away from school at this point, or is just really foolhardy, there's no way an intelligent person would get all of that done to herself in one night. That signals an almost instantaneous reversal of galdori values.

In addition to this, she's just seen her brother for the first time in years, and both of them seem far more interested in their tattoos than each other; it's a very confusing scene, and the tattoo part really guts it of any emotional impact it might have had. I would honestly just leave out the whole thing and let her have a reunion with her brother, unless there's a deeper significance to the scene that I'm not understanding. I suggest letting her take it slow with her acceptance of wick culture and their way of life.

Also, if she's just been up all night, she's probably not going to be going to classes AND meeting someone at a tavern later that night.. I think she might pass out from exhaustion!

* Revolvers, or any guns for that matter, are extremely rare and illegal, and employers don't just hand them out. For purchase, they're monumentally expensive. "a pair of cloth wrapped revolvers and a steel disk with the symbol for abomination" ... those definitely wouldn't be allowed within the school, definitely wouldn't be used as messages, far too expensive, etc. Two revolvers would probably cost two years in a working human's wages, to emphasize how expensive they are. Also, I don't know what you mean by "symbol for abomination" here.

* Wicks or passives aren't allowed at student graduation, for obvious reasons.

* "A Bad Brother by the name of Jacob Gibbs had shot Micheal while he was protecting a caravan that traveled through one of the groups territories." Bad Brothers don't operate outside Old Rose Harbor or the Vein. I'm really confused by this point; if the Bad Brothers killed Micheal, why on earth would they bother to inform his sister about it, and how would they know her name, where she lived, etc? "She's inclined to take it over and expand her families trading." Why? If she knows anything at all about the organization, she should know that galdori don't deal with the Bad Brothers, that the citizens of the harbor would never follow a galdor in a million years (which is essentially why they're left alone by the government) and that she has literally no experience or contacts in the criminal underworld. A galdor rushing into the Harbor saying they're going to take over is pretty much signing their death warrant.

* "She even began work on a "lightning" gun, using a combination of acidic juices and copper for shells" This is an interesting concept but I have no idea how it would work, practically speaking. And as a Brunnhold graduate, she has magic on her side, and has no need for messing around with inferior guns.

* As a general critique of this backstory, focusing on a "past mystery" is one of the most common downfalls of characters in this game. We, the mods, don't know what happened to Micheal. We can't invent a whole bevvy of NPCs in order to solve this mystery for your character, either. It might be a good idea to bring Arlyn to the point where she's not relying on her dead brother for plot. This will free you up to explore new stories in-game.

*Your personality section is good. I'd like to see a mention of her rebelliousness in here, as it seems to be the key factor behind a lot of her decisions. Also, could you phrase the "racism" section as a paragraph rather than a list?

* Raised on galdori magic, Arlyn has a lot of ingrained conceptions about how magic works; wick magic, although it also uses Monite, is radically different in its process and its philosophy. She might have hang-ups about the use of the Spoke's Almanac, and might not be able to cast all those spells successfully. Just something to keep in mind.

* Illusion spells only last for a brief period of time, definitely not permanent. I'd nix the bit about her hair being under a spell, as it goes totally against the galdori concept of the noble uses (vanity being one of the greatest sinful uses of magic). It would probably be difficult for Arlyn to even consider casting magic for such a purpose.

* "Instead of the dark bronze of her parents Arlyn skin is a light bronze from most of her child hood spent indoors studying" Why were her parents dark bronze? Anaxi skin is pale and yellowish.

*I understand she's on her own now and can wear whatever she wants, and that kind of getup is just fine for Old Rose, but I just want to remind you that will not fly in galdori society She won't be making any galdori business deals, that's all I'm saying.

*Spells are not broken up into stuff like cold/electrical; she seems to specialize in Static magic, and the basic principles behind Static magic are the same whether she's working with one element or another.

* Goals: I would put some serious thought into letting this story move beyond the murder of her brother. Arlyn might be out for revenge, which is a fine motive; there's no need for her to look for the exact killer, and she could focus that anger on hurting the Bad Brothers instead. That leaves your story wide open for new focuses and experiences instead of pigeonholing your character into a plot with no real possibilities in RP.

As for her desire to rule ORH, for the reasons I mentioned above, this goal doesn't really make sense at this point. As long as you're aware that it's entirely impractical and not a possibility at this point, that's fine; it can be the character's goal, but I would really like to see more reasoning behind it. As of right now it's not making a lot of sense with the desire for vengeance. The character is presumably educated and would probably know that it's an unrealistic goal.

Let us know if there's any way we can help you edit your sheet, if you need it. It might be a good idea to check out the wiki information a second time, particularly galdori culture, magic, naming conventions, etc.

That's not a list of edits that's a grocery list!

As far as the lightning gun, it's one of those fun surprise things. "She pointed a pistol at Jim, and wouldn't you know it, a bolt of lightning came outta that muzzle and hit the poor bastard right in the chest." It's of no "real" value, just something for her to tinker around with when she's not trying to undermine and unbalance the criminal underworld. Might make lightning spells easier, who knows.

Groceries/Edits have been made, hopefully I don't need to go back to the store.

Thanks for your time overlooking this sheet, hope to RP with you folks soon.

While we understand the requested edits were extensive, it is in effort to assist your character in fitting into the world we've created so you can have the most enjoyable experience interacting with the players already in-game. Please try to keep that perspective. It's not a grocery list, it's a sense of direction.

Before I go through and review your whole sheet, I would like to say you really need some short-term goals to be accomplished in-game. The only goal you have listed is still very long-term and very difficult to accomplish. It does not give you anything to start a thread. A few immediate goals would be useful.

Remember, "lightning magic" is actually a division of Static magic, and most spells that actually do real damage are at the intermediate and advanced levels. All of them are risky and require practice; a graduate from Brunnhold is usually only at the beginning level of even their focus unless they studied outside of class. All new players are only allowed to start at the beginning level of casting, regardless of their age, unless there are special circumstances and we agree to let it happen. A character would need to study in-game to reach the intermediate levels of casting, and they would require a teacher to help them to reach advanced. Keep that in mind when considering your goals and any form of device invention that involves a combination of magic (also, as a side note: galdori prefer to develop technology independent of magic most of the time).

While you're working those out, we mods will go back over your sheet and let you know if there are any more changes necessary.

Thanks so much for your patience! Hang in there!

Edits round two are complete. Thanks again for the help.

Hey, Arlyn. We're nearly there! But we need you to take a careful look at a few more things!

1) Please check over your spelling and grammar, as there are still several errors with possessives and plurals (Some I noticed this time around: "bath together" should be "bathe," "it's walls" should be "its," "dozen of models" would be "dozens," "Wick" is not a word to be capitalized, there are several cases in which you write "women" when referring to a singular woman, and finally, on the item "One pair of heals," you got the second part right but not this first instance of "heels.").

Also, her city of origin should be "Vienda" instead of "Vienna." Vienna doesn't exist on Vita.

It can help you catch errors by either reading it aloud or getting a friend to proofread your sheet for you.

2) The type of twins. Fraternal twins are conceived of two separate eggs, allowing for the one male/one female set you have here. Paternal twins (not maternal) are twins that come from one egg splitting into two zygotes, resulting in identical twins. If they're paternal twins, then you'd be talking about Arlyn's sister Michelle instead

3) Abomination. In the dueling scene, it appears as a non sequitur insult. There is no way their father could have deduced from the man's appearance that he associated with passives. And if he had known it before he arrived, he simply would not have hired the man to come to his property in the first place.

While the scene may appear dramatic and life-changing, we really need you to reconsider it. If you must incorporate the word, it should follow as a natural part of the story, not inserted for the sake of it. We can understand that it's setting the precedent for him to call his son that later, but at the dueling scene, it offers little.

What is the significance of the steel disk with the word? Why would her brother hang onto it as if it were something dear? Being called an "abomination" is not something anyone would take kindly to, and there is really no reason why anyone would want to remember being called such by their own father. Is there a way this could make more sense? Or perhaps some other item/word of significance should replace it.

4) "He'd become a good shot with a pair of revolvers he'd slaved to buy from his first employer." I'm afraid there is simply no way that anyone would have two revolvers. The fact that guns are extremely rare and extremely valuable would mean that in order to have two, he would have to have worked a lifetime to have obtained them. If he has any, it needs to be capped off at one; you don't need multiple weapons to be a great shot.

5) The lightning gun. While the idea of "using a combination of acidic juices and copper for shells" is a good try, it really isn't feasible. The technology for it in this world simply isn't there. Especially since, as a galdor, she would generally be capable of greater and faster damage with one spell. While it is a cool idea and a fun concept, it may be time for you to let it go and have her work on honing more aggressive spells or her swordsmanship, or tinker more with aeroship ideas. Magically speaking, she is capable of casting spells in all specializations (living, physical, etc.), not only static.

6) Just to inform you, her dress code (the low trousers and the corsets) would be considered exceedingly scandalous-- even by Old Rose standards! What you would tend to see in The Rose would be the traditional pirate/bar wench garb, with billowy shirts and so forth. Showing as much skin as she does would garner lots of unwanted attention, probably making her a target. While I understand wanting to show off her tats, you may want to make her clothes more period- and location-appropriate.

Thanks so much for the hard work and dedication you're putting into your character! I know it seems like it's taking a lot of time, but we're working as quickly as we can to help you get on your feet and running in game as soon as possible!

Edits complete, hopefully for the last time.