(H18, late evening) Something Amiss
I just did something incredibly stupid... The words were scrawled hastily in the old, battered pages of a leather-bound journal.
Quote:
This appears to be a growing habit of mine- doing stupid things. Perhaps it was an easy enough mistake- excitement over such things can cloud any man's thoughts. Tallulah Anatine kissed me. And I returned it. While she has done such before, this was different- she and I were both sober. But my returning the kiss was not the stupid mistake aforementioned. Nor was the stupid mistake that we repeated the offense countless times. No, it gets worse than that. Tallulah Anatine and I have agreed to leave Vianda together.
I realize I did not think that through. It was a heat-of-the-moment thing, suggested amidst heightened emotion and an intense excitement. I foresee many problems I had failed to before Tallulah took her leave. Not only did we take things far too quickly, overstepping all boundaries set before us, but I realize that never once have we spoken those words, verbally admitting our feelings for one another. It is possible we've not spoken such because an unwritten code of conduct forbids it. Or perhaps it is a sign this whole relationship was never meant to be- that it is a simple facade we allow ourselves to uphold out of fear of what we would lose if we did not. Perhaps these emotions are not even genuine- simply spoken of a selfish need we both happen to share.
Or maybe the feelings are real, but we simply fear voicing them? Surely it's not for a lack of affection that we keep them silent? I feel, even now after much reflection, that Tallulah is in fact a woman I would follow to the ends of Vita. Why? Even now it is hard to say what exactly draws me to her. She is beautiful, but to think that is her only appeal would be incredibly shallow. No, it is not for her beauty that I care for her. It is the simple fact that she understands me, and that I understand her. We have had similar experiences in our lives that have shaped us into people few could grasp, even if they desired to. She is galdori, but she is not typical of her race. She has enlightening views of the world and, in spite of everything we've said and done, she makes me smile. And laugh. And, apparently, I have offered her similar services. When I am near her, I forget my sorrows- it is one of the few times I can honestly say I feel happy.
So, yes. I believe I can say I love her, truly, deeply. But are we honestly ready to take things so far at such a fast pace? This, I cannot say for sure.
Artemis leaned back, placing the quill with which he had been writing in its stand, then folded his hands under his chin, his brows knit, his distant expression clearly portraying he was deep in thought. Yes, they were definitely taking things too quickly. They were putting one another in danger. But he felt, if given time, they could make this work out. It would just take patience, planning, and a willingness to- despite their fears- commit.
So it was decided. When next he saw Tallulah, they would be having a long talk. And he might just get his chance to tell her, for the first time, that he loved her. To admit it to them both, and be ok with it.
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